Stories of the Unscrupulous
How Being a "Stand-up Guy" Got Me Out of a Speeding Ticket
By Steven (Last name withheld)
I had finally gotten the courage to drive down the shore to talk to my older brother. Once I got there, it took me almost 45 minutes before I had the courage to finally ask, "Have you ever had any performance issues?"
He put his finger to his lips. "At work? No, I’ve never had any problems. Why, are you?"
I looked down at the carpet, "Not at work, in the bedroom…"
My brother smiled. "Don’t worry little bro. It happens to me too. Hold on I’ll be right back…"
As I waited for him to come back I still felt nervous.
When he returned he came back and he poured some pills into his hand and he said, "Stevie, just take one of these Viagra and you won’t have any more performance problems."
I quickly grabbed one of the pills and popped it in my mouth.
My brother looked down at his hand with the pills and then up at me. The next thing I knew his free-hand came out of no where and smacked me upside-the-head. "Are you some kind of idiot?"
Then he added, "If you are anything like me that pills going to kick-in in about 45 minutes and you are an hour-and-a-half from home!"
I just stood there not knowing what to do. Then my brothers free-hand smacked me again. "Hello! Is there anybody in there? I just said that you were an hour-and-a-half from home. Now get outta here!"
I took me about 15 minutes to reach the highway and then I floored it. About 15 minutes later I called my wife. "Hi Honey, I talked to John and he actually has the same problem and takes Viagra…Anyway, he gave me some…the problem is already took it."
There was a pause on the other end, then my wife asked, "Is it working?"
"Not yet, but probably in about 15 minutes. "I’m trying to get home as fast as I can."
Without hesitating my wife said, "I’ll take the kids to Mom’s."
They say Viagra doesn’t always work the first time but about 10 minutes later I was, let’s just say, a "stand-up-guy" once again.
I had almost made it home when I heard the sirens.
I pulled over and sat there with my head on the steering wheel. The officer tapped on the window with his nightstick.
"I’m sorry," I said. "I’m trying to get home to my wife."
"Is there an emergency?"
"I…I…I haven’t been able to, ahhh…fulfill my obligations and I, ahhh…took a Viagra."
The officer thought for a second and then peered into the car. When I realized what he was looking at, I instinctively put my hands over my crotch.
The officer straightened up. "Sorry about that. I had to check. You hear a lot of crazy excuses." He then looked me in the eye and asked, "Has it been long?"
"Three months…"
The officer winced. "Ouch…Okay, I don’t think that you are making this up." He then pointed into the car and said, "That is not the kind of thing you can fake."
He then smiled at me and said, "Have a safe ride home and good luck to you and your wife."
Excuse the pun but, thanks to Viagra, I "got-off" in more ways than one that day.
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